When we are little girls, we dream about marriage and marital life. We speak about it with our girlfriends, we watch movies, we sigh and roll eyes in a dreamlike state, and are in that state for hours. But what are we dreaming about?

Most movie talks are about weddings and preparations for it. They are about houses and lifestyles after the wedding. They are about children and the number of schools they are going to attend.

How many conversations have you heard from the groom? Either none or almost none. How come they are missing that major element? And if we are unwilling not to consider him in the picture, why do we get so surprised when we get a weak, unhappy, or so-so marriage? Who are we getting married to? A piece of brick? And if it’s not a piece of brick, then why do we get furious when our other half suddenly has the voice to utter his desires, willingness, unwillingness, and so on?

Children and relatives are secondary.

Children and relatives are secondary. The husband and wife are the foundation for the marriage. The happier they are, the stronger the marriage is, and therefore their children see a better picture that will allow them to pick a good partner and build a better family. So those healthy patterns will continue to grow, and we will have healthier families. However, this is not happening because we see distorted pictures of our own parents and we repeat their mistakes because that is what we are used to seeing. We turn our brain off and stop looking within ourselves. This is because we get used to the instant gratification that everyone feeds us and we don’t question the quality of that “food”. However, we are angry when we get into trouble. We hate those who are more successful in their personal lives and still we don’t draw a parallel between us.

Let me point out a few common mistakes we make in our marriages that bring misery to our spouse and sometimes to us as well:

1. We start ignoring a man when a baby is about to arrive. I read it all the time in my blog and I hear people arguing with me when I say that is not correct. Even if you meet a nice, thoughtful man, after a few years of a treatment where he feels he is not counted on for anything, I guarantee he will turn into a person you have never met. He will probably become less soft, rougher, will be home a lot less. He will be doing his business, maybe even stay longer hours at work telling you he is doing it for his family.

He may even stop providing for you as much as he did in the very beginning.

He will stop bringing or thinking about presents for you or putting a smile on your face with his jokes, flowers, and gifts. He will grow to be resentful towards you and the kids. It is the nature of a human being. Imagine if you got married to a guy who brought you flowers from his garden for you every day. You shine because you are loved and cared for. After the wedding, the man stops giving you flowers. He totally buried himself in the garden with his flowers. How would you feel? You would hate that garden and those flowers even though you still like to look at them from the window. You would hate all that because you’d feel like that garden is stealing your husband from you. This is the same when it comes to children.

Men like to be loved for their manhood, for their being, for what they are. They like to be men. They don’t like to be cherished for their long night talks – that belongs to females – but they like to be loved for fixing a toilet, for solving a problem you couldn’t solve on your own. They like to be cherished not even for being intimate, but for their strong arms that they can put around us and make us feel protected and safe. This is what makes me advocate for paying more attention to them than to your children. At the end of the day, it is both of you that are together, not the children. Children are souls that we need to foster and let go of, but our spouse is what sticks with us till the end of our lives. And we need to learn how to make him and ourselves happier in our family life.

2. We are placing a wrong emphasis on when we are staying home and making a home. We tend to make a big deal out of it. As you know I’m a very big believer in a woman being able to provide her man and family with a robust castle called “home”. Therefore, for me, none of the home errands are humongous tasks and chores. I do know, however, tons of women who make it seem like if their homemaking is like making Earth from the scratch, That, of course, is a problem for a man and the family. We need to make sure we are doing it for our spouse’s comfort and prosperity. We don’t do it because of our own obsession with it or because this makes us an “excellent wife” and that is one of the ways to show it. We don’t do it because this is how we exercise our control and power over him and our children.

We need to make sure that we do enjoy homemaking.

That we enjoy him because there isn’t something driving everyone crazy because no one can sit on the couch. Trust me, he is busting other pal’s chops with the fact that he has it and others don’t. It is a big deal for a man to have a great wife who takes care of a house and does it without making him feel guilty. Men are aware of your needs and responsibilities, but please don’t throw it at his face. If you can’t resist then your intentions of homemaking are not healthy and true. You need to have a serious talk with yourself.

3. How much time do you spend with your relatives? Some have created a tight relationship with parents, but sometimes those relationships keep going as tight as they were before marriage right after. That is a big mistake. You should be having your own circle of relatives and friends, but never put them above your husband. I’m not saying you should forget about yourself and do what he says. No. I’m saying that you need to find a good ratio of time when you have enough time to interact with your parents and a bigger amount of time for your husband. The moment you got married you should cut all cords between your little girl and mommy and become your own woman. That is a huge transition and I will talk about it in an article, but for now, just keep in mind that we all need to understand who we have become the moment we get married and keep it that way. Otherwise, we will face challenges, not only in the family with our husband but within ourselves as well.
4. Sometimes we meet a man who is not exactly a Rockefeller. But we decide that we will get him there. After the wedding, we do everything possible for him to enter that field. We push him to get additional education, another degree, another training that he may not even want. Besides we don’t even ask if he wants to earn that type of income, yet we still push because WE want it. While we are doing this, we show disappointment if he doesn’t get what WE want. Do you think it brings something good in the relationship between you? I’ve seen couples where a wife would argue with him for “not being a man” because he didn’t bring home a 4-figure salary. That kind attitude injures the marriage. He would feel like it is never enough for her because she put money and prestige higher than personal feelings and desires of her spouse. It is a huge mistake that many women make when they place an emphasis on all things money. Your man would appreciate your support no matter what he is doing and if he gets to be successful he will share it with happiness. If he gets there while you are grinding him for more money, he will feel like money is the only thing you need from him and I’m not sure you will have a good marriage with those thoughts in mind.

5. Unfortunately, our society is such that we speak about success in pretty distorted terms. Women are pursuing their careers, but in a pretty brutal way for their husbands. We become too competitive and end up overshadowing him, making him feel unimportant and eventually drive him to the background. None of those things are healthy for a marriage. A woman who decided to become a successful one is damaging for a family in many cases. It doesn’t mean that one should not be successful, go for it if that what you want, BUT keep your priorities straight. Your husband should be a priority number one. Make sure he knows about it. Tell him, show him – let him know in any possible way. Don’t be afraid to sacrifice something in your career, trust me it will be paid back big time down the road. No matter what you decide to do, make sure your zest and enthusiasm are not overshadowing him and he doesn’t feel like a second fiddle and resent it. One of the things that you can do to show him that he is number one is when he comes home from work. Be sure that all housework is either done and you are dressed clean and your hair is combed. Greet him with a smile and you are all ears to listen to him FIRST! You need to greet him, not children with their “news”, but YOU! And only when you calmly with a smile let him share his “battles of the day”, catch a breath, he will be assured he is important for you and your family. No matter what position you are in, and if you are more or less successful than he is,  he needs to FEEL it and you are the one who needs to make sure he feels it if you want to have a proper marriage.

Don’t wait, however, for him to make you number one.

It is not his prerogative. He needs to provide the living and sometimes he must choose between family and other things. Family sometimes goes secondary, in order to make it a priority, if that makes sense to you. You should allow it to happen and not be offended. You need to remember that men usually make the world a better place, come up with ideas, solve worlds problems, etc. Remember, presidents wives are always in a sort of shadow. However, they are truly successful and strong women without driving their husbands to the ground. They are quite the opposite, but they were always second and accepted that! That is my point! We need to learn how to balance that !

When you don’t make your husband feel number one and you pay too much attention to children, parents, your own career, him making better money, your man will feel inadequate and somewhat less manly. That is the reason in many cases why men are looking for another woman. As you can see it is not because they are looking to be intimate, it is something else they are looking for – a need to feel appreciated and important.

So, all that brings a thought of maybe we need to spend more time talking to our friends and daughters about how to make our man happy as well as ourselves. We should do this instead of endless conversations about white dresses, ceremonies, and the size of a stone on our finger.

Would that stone be worth anything if you are miserable? If your man is sad and depressed? If your children are struggling in life? But you got a great setting for your wedding…. is it better than being happy for life than one day of posh ceremony that will disappear the next day?