If you got married to your school sweetheart you would be a lucky one, but many of us came into our man’s life or invited him into ours after previous relationships. It may be a previous family with a child or children. It may be an ex-girlfriend where they still interact giving us some grief. One way or another we have a man whose life involves not only us but someone else. It would be no bother to us if he didn’t communicate with his ex-wife or ex-girlfriend. When he does this creates a problem in our relationship with that man. This brings many of us anger, hostility, a lack of understanding why he does it, and other feelings.

Let’s try to clarify some things and maybe make that subject less touchy and therefore less complicated.

First of all, when you get married to a man with a past, you need to make sure that whatever you do you are not following his prior rules: “ in my ex-family we had it this or that way”…. no way… you should set up your own traditions for your new family. Everything with you should be new for him. It will take a tremendous effort for you to keep up with all that, but it’s worth it if you want to have a healthy family where your man’s priority is crystal clear . You and the child or children that are his family now.

Rule number one: create your own routine and traditions that you will maintain. 

It can be certain celebrations in a certain way; it can be his day with boys; your day with girls; your monthly date day; or travel to a certain place on a certain time or something else… you should come up with something that will separate you from his “other” family and then you must stick with it. You should fill your family with your own energy that brings all of you together rather than a hostile environment where he won’t feel calm and supported and understood. It is his life and you can’t take this out. He needs to deal with it. Rather than fight with his ex-wife, take the high ground. Re-group and start acting like an adult. Rule your kingdom! Your kingdom. If you stick with anger and not letting his past become a part of your life (and his ex-wife will be trying hard to do so, trust me) his ex-wife will be setting the boundaries of your kingdom, especially with your husband if he doesn’t have kids with you yet. 

Learn how to respect his past. I am not saying be friends with his ex-wife, but you should create a space in your house for his kids. If you do have kids, you should never make him choose. His kids are always important for him. Don’t ever forget that. You have a chance to create such a normal, calm, family environment. This type of environment your man will prefer, and he may even stop speaking with his ex, but you need to be genuine in your efforts and accept his situation as it is first.

The strongest side of a woman is her firm understanding of what her family is about. 

Traditions, values, beliefs, rules, ways to raise children, goals, and so on. The stronger your understanding is the better it will be for your man. Usually divorce creates chaos, and if your vision is stable your man will emotionally and with a sense of well-being come back to your space – no matter what. The story is different if it is an ex-girlfriend and he is still communicating with her finding all kinds of explanations for why he is doing so. With his ex-wife, there is basically no way he cannot communicate because of kids. However, with an ex-girlfriend the situation is completely different and your man has no business communicating with her on a regular basis – or even at all!

If something like this is happening in your life, where you man is communicating with his ex-girlfriend. If he is telling you that he cannot not communicate, that she is the one who is calling, or a multitude of other excuses, try to speak with him. Let him know how you feel and explain calmly that you don’t really feel like having his ex in your family and you don’t feel like having a new friend. If you guys have a genuine relationship and love for each other, both of you should be able to hear each other. You should be able to hear what he wants and therefore give it to him. He in return should hear you out when you are telling him that you are not feeling like having his ex in your bed. If he tries to find any excuses why he does not close that page of his life with that woman, it simply means they still have something else going on. There is a hope of sorts or relationship of sorts or something else, but whatever it is it’s not finished. You don’t want to have a man who is not totally committed and ready to be with you 100%.

Talk to him. Let him have some time to fix the situation and change his behavior based on how you are feeling. After this, if she is still in your life you would need to act accordingly. Do not put up with it. He is having her because she is somehow his safety net or even a charger. Don’t be afraid to cut off your relationship with him. It is not beneficial for you because it’s not safe for you. It’s still a hope for her and maybe even him. It’s a continuing problem because neither you, nor they can build any relationship. It should be closed and either gone or dealt with, the reality being that there may be an irreparable problem in your own relationship. Do you think that if you’d have an ex-boyfriend, who was taking you to dinner once in a while, that you man would not be shocked and not happy? Of course he would be upset and he would have every right to be.

Always remember that whatever you hear from a man about his relationships in the past, it’s only one side of the story… please do not jump to any conclusion thinking bad about his ex… you might be jealous, but please reserve every judgement without all of the facts.

Avoid digging into his past too much. If he has a child, you must except this child into your life one way or another . Keep it in mind, if you’d like to have a healthy family that YOU ARE HIS WIFE!!! Not just another girlfriend!

I also want to talk a little more about his ex-wife with kids. I do know that a lot of women in the states are unfortunately using kids to manipulate their ex-husbands and this is sad. We should just be aware of a few things.  If your man had another family and kids, you should respect that no matter what. In almost all situations. The way you man is now, having to coordinate kids with her, those kids have a little bit of a priority. It is not the end of the world if we accept it as it is. Then we can build our life pretty successfully. If you try to fight with his ex-wife and earlier kids, you won’t have a calm, successful life. You’ll be bitchy and stressed.

A second one, it doesn’t mean that it is bad. You don’t have to build a relationship with his ex or exes, but you should except his kids. You should just make peace with it and move forward. If his ex-wife is remarried, then she sort of goes into the other man’s side. However, if she is not remarried, then make sure you have some sort of respect. If she is not trying to manipulate your man, Great! If, however, his ex-wife does not have kids, the should not be communicating! Period. So you can raise that question and demand your answers and desires. If there are kids – no. Communication is key.

An ex-wife’s communications with your man should only be about children and that is it!

If she calls constantly, asking tons of questions, or showing up asking for help, or coming into your house, it is wrong. This means that you man didn’t end their relationship and he didn’t move with you anywhere either. If she is asking for favors not related to a child, it means that she is trying to keep him by her side, which is not helping you build your new family with him.

All that is going to create more connection. You must prohibit him from helping her and let her ask for help from somebody else. Her ex-husband should not be treated as a puppy that is going to show up and leave his family for her… don’t think you are a bitch or anything. Let her become an adult and maybe meet another man who can help her when she is looking for help.

Your man needs to feel needed in your family! Not in hers… do not let mer manipulate him…  you also must not let him talk bad about her with any sort of aggression or comparison with her! Do not let him do this! He is trying to engage you in some sort of victim game… And don’t be: “yes, I’m not like her. I’m better. Let me prove it.” The next thing you know, you’ll be doing all kinds of things against your own will. At the end he will be telling you later “She is better than you.” It’s a game and should be recognized.

I am seeing many unhealthy relationships around that are built on ex-families and interactions based on that. Therefore, I am asking you, please read this and maybe read it again. Think about it. Take it into consideration. Act on it. Build your happy life and don’t be one of those families that get stock or bogged down with the past. Move forward to a new normal that you find with your man. Life! Reshape your understanding, reshape your vision, and start moving to a healthier life with your man, his past children, and your children with him.