Most people are looking for a happiness recipe. Sometimes when they see someone smiling, they may even ask: what’s your recipe? I remember being asked a few times and every time I ended up realizing those people hated me for my happiness because they couldn’t understand. No. They weren’t willing to hear my answer.

Happiness comes in a very simple way, yet is a very hard thing to obtain and is something we all need.

It’s hard work, so some of us tell ourselves we don’t need it and prefer being alone…but happiness comes from good relationships. That is what makes us happy and healthy. I was accused a few times of not bringing evidence to support my thoughts and I’d like to tell you about an experiment that actually proved my point. Robert J. Waldinger conducted a study for 75 years on happiness. He studied men by following them for many years. At the beginning of the project, men were asked about the main trajectory they wanted to go in their lives. They were all of different social status and occupations. One of them even became president of our country, while some others became alcoholics. Every two years each man was taken to have medical analyses of their health, as well as asked specific questions related to their present conditions at that time. After 75 years of studying and close watching, scientists came to the conclusion that most patients who had good relationships in their lives were healthier and happier (you can read about that study on the internet if you’d like to know more).

So what does it give us? What thought process is about to occur in our heads? What do we have nowadays? Where are we moving towards with our propaganda now?

Let me tell you a few major points here. To be healthier and happier we should have:

1. Connection with people.

That is extremely important for us. It sort of defines us as individuals regardless of whether we want that or not. A state of being alone that is so “popular” is actually poisonous. Nothing good comes out of it for anyone. Surveys say that almost every fourth/fifth American is alone. That is shocking. No wonder why our society is so sick in terms of physical and mental health. I need to also point out that sometimes-married people are just as alone, but that is a different story.

2. Quality relationships.

It is not about having tons of followers on Facebook, Instagram, or anywhere else…people don’t give a sh**. It’s about the real relationships that you have, the ones that make up your reality. All unsatisfactory relationships, including between moms, dads, family members, or lack of love and tenderness from people, influence our lives, sometimes even more then experiencing divorced parents at a young age (a very traumatic event). Only when we feel safe, accepted, loved, cherished, and heard is a good environment where we feel protected and flourished created.

3. The ability to rely on our partner.

When you feel strong commitment and responsibility for another partner, even when you are 90, those connections, believe or not, protect your brain and memory. It causes you to be healthier and more acute for many more years compared to those who don’t have a good relationship.

Despite all this knowledge, we are given a surrogate: social network, TV, false images. Instead of spending time with people, walking on the streets and talking, calling on the phone to a family member and speaking, doing something with a friend like going to a dance class or discussing a book, most of us spend time on the internet. This is what we call communication and friends these days.

No wonder why we have a high percentage of mentally and physically sick people.

No wonder why our reality is so upsetting for most of us and we run out of it toward alcohol, food, or sex. It’s the way we hide…because we have no idea what’s important in life and how to deal with what we have. We get lost, but if we are told “Look, here is a recipe for your happiness but you only get it if you take your head out of social media and start actually take action rather than just imagining.” Many of us would start to object or yell or curse. This is a clear indicator of how scared and lost we are. Deep down inside we feel that this isn’t the correct way out…but we are SO scared to find another way since almost 99% of people around us live by this exact formula. This is a known path for most of us so why change it?

What if we don’t feel happy…what if we get sick…we get used to blaming everything else. It’s like when you go to yoga and hear “open your heart” and then you find yourself yelling at a stranger out of our frustration as soon as you leave. How come? We just opened our heart…well, we forgot about it the moment we left class…we read self-help books because we want to “help my friend understand her problems” but what we should’ve done is to help ourselves first. Do we? Nope. This is too frightening. So we sink lower and lower into our misery and pain. We hide more and more behind our masks of “I’m ok”…when we aren’t. Maybe it is a time to start breaking that pattern…start allowing ourselves feeling, loving, and enjoying.

“There isn’t time — so brief is life — for bickerings, apologies, heartburnings, callings to account. there is only time for loving — & but an instant, so to speak, for that.” – Mark Twain