Every time when I am out and about, I take some time to observe my surroundings, particularly couples. Whether if I’m at the farmers market, at a cafe, a store or a restaurant I always pay attention to couples and how they interact with their kids. Today, I want to talk about couples and their relationships with their children as well as the tendencies that arise with the addition of children in a family.

On average, when a woman is asked who the most important member of their family is, their first response would be their child.

It is the family hierarchy. The child is then followed by themselves or somebody other than the husband. From my observations, the husband always seems to come last in the grand scheme of things.

I have seen and still see how this family hierarchy is destroying relationships. Unfortunately, almost no one seems to draw the parallel or even associate this fact with the reason why so many modern day relationships are failing. Of course, no one would blame a child for ruining a relationship. What are you a monster? It is a perfectly normal response for a mom to put her child first. A child is innocent and depends on her for survival. This being said, the concept of complete and utter dependence can get rather poisonous when looked at from a bigger picture. Instead of believing in your own child’s ability to develop independence we seem to be fostering a toxic environment that snuffs his/her own abilities from the start.

No one seems to think about what would happen if a child sees his mom and dad prioritizing one another.

In my opinion, a proper family hierarchy is when mom is treated as number one for dad and dad is treated as number one for mom. Sadly, I seem to be in the minority and most people don’t even think about this concept when raising children.

Women think that children are so important, that they forget that they have a husband. We tend to remember him only in times of stress and essentials. Things like paying the mortgage, help with the kids, and in times of emotional instability. Sometimes, we are so into our children and ourselves that we don’t even remember we have a significant other. This kind of behavior is straining on yourself, your child and especially your husband. What do you think is happening with your spouse if you only seek their attention when you need something from them or are in a bad mood. Put yourself in his position. How would you feel if your husband only obsessed with his job and his child while totally neglecting you; never finding time to see you or finding time to take care of you. How would you feel?

Your husband needs and wants attention as well, but many relationships in modern society divert all the attention to children.

Of course, he will try to attract that attention in other ways, but it may not always work out as he intends. Men are usually very straightforward and solve their problems in a very constructive and literal way. He might work like crazy in order to be a better provider, which innately is not necessarily a bad thing. The issue at hand is all this work may go unnoticed. Actions like this may go on for years until he eventually stops trying, and it is still to some women’s surprise when they wake up and realize that their relationship has huge holes in it.

Dear women, your man needs to be noticed, cared for, thought of and so on. He needs your attention just as much as your child, maybe even more at times.

I understand that many of you may accuse me of thinking in a “1950’s” mindset, but to me, there is a certain validity to this kind of mindset. In those times, children saw their parents give each other respect and love, and in turn give them love and respect. Moreover, a child who sees the love between parents grows up with more security and confidence.

Ladies, if that reminds you of your family, I ask you to try changing it and start noticing the difference.

Start thinking about what your husband might want for dinner, for the weekend for whatever occasion you come up with. Don’t expect him to see your effort right away, but give it time he will notice. If you feel you have neglected him for an extended period of time, it is only reasonable to expect a delayed response. Our pride, soul, and hearts are not a toy. Once they are damaged, it is hard to get back to the neutral and even harder to walk into the realm of happiness. We ask everyone around us to be considerate of our feelings but often times we forget about those closest to us. Just as you need to water certain flowers a certain way in order for them to blossom, your closest relationships need to be managed tenderly in order for them to blossom.

In a relationship, from my experience, a man enjoys being able to take care of his wife. Even if she doesn’t necessarily need him to, it is the act of providing that gives him joy and a sense of accomplishment. It makes him happy. It is in that same aspect that I am asking you to respect your man and check the hierarchy in your family. A man must be noticed, he must feel like he is providing and assisting. At the end of the day, this is just advise. If you are living a happy life prioritizing your child over your husband I completely respect that. If not, choose the priority that maximizes your man. This will ultimately be best for you and your family. That’s just how it works.