Have you ever been bullied? I can almost guarantee that many of us have been but because we get used to talking about the concept of bullying when it comes to teens and children, we disassociate adults from that. Moreover, we don’t even consider the possibility with adults, therefore; we don’t identify the behavior for what it is: bullying. And if we don’t call it that or don’t even consider it, we, of course, ignore it and as a result, many of us internally suffer from it. At the end of the day when we come in contact with a bully (or bullies) we may feel depression, sadness, lack of self-esteem and so on…

But why can’t we identify what it is in our adult life? How it shows itself? Interesting phenomena is that almost everyone has experienced it one way or another.

Let me give you one example of how it can show itself. You have to change a job and in your new work environment there is a person or two that, for some reason, don’t like you. It may be because you are professionally better, more attractive, you have a good man in your life, you have more and a better set of skills, you are single but have more admirers and so on… you don’t know exactly why that person doesn’t like you. The only thing you know for sure is that this person definitely does not like you. There are days when you are not sure if she or he likes you or not but there are days when you definitely sense an attitude. Usually, you start feeling excluded and ostracized. You start asking a question, “What did I do to cause this?” If you are conscientious enough you start to analyze where and when you did something to cause it and you’ll be looking for ways to fix it. If your conscience is asleep, you’ll just be feeling a bit sad and won’t be able to answer why but instead tell yourself that it is probably because you just made a big move and are stressed. When you tell yourself those things look carefully- is that true?

I want to talk about how to deal with this or how to make this situation go away or at least lessen the effect it has on your life and well-being.

Let me start with why one would be giving an attitude toward someone else. In many cases, it is not you who caused that problem. In many cases it is the person who bullies you who is the problem. Somehow just your presence in the room inflict some sort of pain or discomfort on the bully. It can be that she or he all of a sudden felt uncomfortable, or judged, or their self-esteem went down because of something you have that they don’t… I would not encourage you to try to find why you caused it because it is impossible to figure out since it is not your own head. Don’t try! It’s useless! Another part of that equation is that some time in your life you almost certainly had a painful experience where you experienced the same feelings of sadness, depression or something similar. Usually between 5-12 years old. Sometimes it can go as late as 14 but usually earlier in childhood. So look for it there. Try to find an exact episode that brought you the same emotional state and feelings that the bully is giving to you today. Try to switch from that traumatic experience to the today one and see if the feelings that are were triggered are identical. Look at what you find very carefully. See yourself as that young person when it happened first as a 30-40-50 year old today. Shift back and forth. Breathe through that realization and try to reach to a point where you won’t be feeling that sadness so intense. Wait till it subsides a little bit. Walk around with this realization in your head for a day.

Identify a person as a bully, see how you got bullied now and then… keep shifting back and forth from today to the past (It should be very quick. Max 2-3 min. Do not do it more than that).

After you do it for a few times you’ll see that it goes away. Next time when you see that person, chances are that she or he won’t be acting negatively toward you but if she or he does act, try to see those little children who are trying to mark their territory rather than the adults you both are today. See if you want to be that child rather than the independent responsible adult you almost certainly have become.

Bullying happens out of insecurities of our inner child or because a child had a bad experience in home. The bully is usually hurt a lot which is where this whole thing is coming from. I’m not saying that we should not do anything about it, especially when it comes to our children. We definitely should but when we are adults we should also learn how to recognize those things for what they are and learn how to deal with it. After all, we all have had painful moments in our lives but it doesn’t mean that we should be punishing everyone around because our inner child is not in a good place…we should be learning how to help ourselves and as a result to make our lives easier, less stressful, and more pleasant and ultimately joyful:)

If someone decides to bully you or someone else, so be it… let them fight with their own windmills while you are nurturing and healing your inner self in a very gentle living manner. Don’t open return gunfire and be provoked into a whole war that can go for years and usually doesn’t lead anywhere but drain of energy, lack of happiness, and less satisfaction. Remember that your pain comes from something in the past and not the present. In fact the bully is undoubtedly ultimately insecure and unhappy or they would not be bullying in the first place. Do not pity the bully. Just remember who you are an adult and be happy with the recognition of the bully.